THE COUPLE IS UNIFIED

        To the couple of a blended family, it can seem that the moment they say, "I do," some of the other significant people in their lives may be saying, "Well, we don't!" Blended-family parents typically don't have the luxury of months of time alone to adjust and grow together. Children, and sometimes even extended family members, may view the new relationship as threatening or ill-conceived, and from the onset the marriage bond can be stretched to its limits.
        Marcia had one six-year-old daughter, Jenni, when her marriage of eight years ended. At that time she literally devoted her time and energy to Jenni in an effort to make this major family transition as easy as possible for her. They shopped and cleaned together, went on some sort of outing each week, and read stories every night. Marcia allowed Jenni to sleep in her bed with her in an effort to help her daughter feel more secure. Jenni was quite happy with the arrangement and would have been very content for it to continue that way indefinitely. Naturally, when Marcia began to seriously date Rob, Jenni felt threatened, believing she may be replaced by him. Jenni liked Rob but feared that her mother would begin to love him more than her. Soon after Marcia and Rob's marriage, Jenni began creating situations that forced her mother to choose between them. She became more helpless and demanding as a way of checking to see if her mother would still come to her aid when summoned. It seemed as though the rules of this new family unit were changing, and Jenni was testing the limits. She had felt no control in deciding about the divorce earlier or about this new marriage, and she wanted to feel some personal power in what was happening in her life now. And finally, she didn't want to become attached to Rob if he were going to leave as her father as done. In all likelihood, Jenni was not consciously aware of how she was feeling or acting, but was responding at a more instinctual level. While Marcia loved Rob, she felt responsible to solve the problems with her daughter, once again devoting most of her time and energy to that purpose. Rob felt hurt, angry, and left out, wondering if this marriage was a mistake.
        The divorce rates for first and second marriages are about the same, but expressed causes for first and second divorces differ. In first marriages, children tend to keep the partners together longer, while in remarriages children are more likely to be a primary contributing factor to ending relationships. A major difference between first and second marriages is that in the latter, the parent-child bond predates the couple's union; when conflicts arise, adults are often naturally pulled toward family members with whom they have biological ties. Because children are already present during dating and when the marriage begins, couples do not have the opportunity to grow and to develop together in the same ways they would if they were able to experience the joy of pregnancy, to anticipate the birth of their children, and to participate in the socialization of the infant from birth.
        Children in a remarriage can be disruptive to the couple's relationship. While that is difficult, it is important to remember that there is always some meaning associated with their negative behavior. Understanding the children's concerns, fears, and desires is a vital first step in knowing how to deal with the difficulties. It is important to let children know that what they are experiencing matters to their parents. It is also essential to then establish appropriate boundaries within which needs can be met. A strong dose of expressed love and empathy combined with clear and explicit limits can be helpful to both children and adults.
        Adults in a stepfamily need to plan for time together as a couple to nourish their own relationship. Locking the bedroom door to have a private conversation or planning evenings together or weekends away from the children may not be luxuries but rather necessities in building the marital strength required in successful stepfamilies. In well-functioning stepfamilies, remarried parents realize that while their children continue to need them, they also need the sense of security that comes from a stable couple and the assurance that the stepfamily unit will continue. The children also benefit from the example of a happy couple working well together; this can serve as a positive pattern for the children's future marital relationships.
        Couples should decide together how they will deal with major issues and then present a unified front to the children. This is not to say they must always appear to agree, but they should support each other and demonstrate how to maturely resolve disagreements when they arise. At first, it is generally better for the biological parent to discipline. After relationships begin to develop, that role can gradually be shared by both the biological parent and the stepparent.
        Although children are usually the strongest factor competing for adult attention in a remarriage, many other things can compete with the couple's relationship. Because of the complexity of remarriage, time, thoughts, and energy are drawn in many different directions. Each partner may be adjusting to the new family in different ways. This is especially true if one is moving into the house already established by the other or if the new family unit is comprised of both biological children and stepchildren. Sometimes individuals who have been hurt in earlier relationships move slowly or too cautiously. There may be extended family members who are uncertain how to respond to the new family, with all its additional members. Their reactions may even be negative or hurtful.
        Whatever the complications, couples will do better when they believe in themselves and in the marriage. Individuals can learn from past mistakes, but there is no need for either partner to make a complete transformation. Regular conversations in which honest feelings are shared and real problems are addressed are essential for success. Feelings follow thoughts, and love can be present as a continual decision. Marriage relationships should never be taken for granted, and each partner must make conscious efforts daily to do those things that are productive and helpful for each other.
        In spite of the pain experienced because of death or divorce, there seems to be a lot of optimism and a general faith in the institution of marriage, as suggested by the fact that approximately 70 percent of divorced people will remarry. People report wanting to be married. Most individuals say they learned from their first marriage experience, and they better understand what is and is not helpful to a relationship. Increased and improved communication is reported to be present in second marriages, and people generally believe they have chosen well a second partner. Couples involved in second marriages should keep in mind the following:
• It can be helpful to everyone to find ways to appropriately respond to the needs of children.
• Stepfamily adults need time alone to nourish their relationship.
• Children benefit from experiencing the model of a secure and stable couple relationship where adults support each other.
• Sharing of honest feelings and addressing real problems are important.

SATISFACTORY STEPFAMILY
RELATI0NSHIPS ARE F0RMED

        A stepfamily has reduced chances of being successful unless satisfactory stepfamily relationships have developed. Just because a couple forms a solid bond does not automatically mean that other good family relations will develop. A big surprise and often a disappointment for the adults is the realization that even after living together for some time, partners often do not love the stepchildren as much as their own. At the beginning of the marriage there can be an expectation, sometimes unacknowledged: "If you love me, you love my children. While this clearly is not always true, the expectation can progress to the following thought: "If you love my children, then you love me." Almost without awareness, but nonetheless powerfully, the rule finally shifts to "If you don't love my children, then you don't love me" This can be a time when the biological parent is especially sensitive to cues about how the stepparent-stepchild relationship is progressing, and particular reactions from the stepparent regarding a stepchild may be perceived as the spouse's either loving or rejecting the partner who is the child's biological parent.
        It is important to be able to be genuine in a marriage and to feel comfortable expressing honest feelings. Couples need to be willing to deal with difficult issues and to work together at problem-solving strategies. It is also important to understand that making an effort to relate positively to stepchildren can go a long way in enhancing couple intimacy. For example, when a stepfather goes the extra mile by spending constructive time alone with a stepchild, giving compliments, and exercising extra patience, the child's mother may well interpret these actions as demonstrations of love to her. A mutually satisfying stepfather-stepchild relationship often seems to be key to the wife's marital happiness, and it may be at least as important as their relationship as a couple or her relationship to her own children.
        Sometimes children seem to have an even more difficult time than adults in accepting and loving the parent who has suddenly come into their lives. For the most part, they do not have a choice in the remarriage decision, and it is not uncommon for children to have limited association with the new stepparent before remarriage. It is unrealistic to expect a child to accept as a parent and especially to experience loving feelings toward an adult who is relatively unknown. Relationships take time to develop, regardless of the marital or legal status of family members. In addition, children already have a father and a mother; this is true even if one of those parents has died or has never been known to the child. When they have continued contact with their biological parents, children usually do not want or need stepparents for general psychological survival. Stepparents who, at least initially, define their role with their stepchildren as that of friend are usually most satisfied. Children seem less threatened by a friendship relationship and are often relieved to not feel pressured to choose between two fathers or two mothers. They have the room to begin to see the stepparent as another caring adult who can add to their lives, rather than feeling forced to let go of someone important to them.
        Children deserve to have the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents, regardless of the parents' differing views. Under most circumstances they love both parents, in spite of the adults' individual weaknesses, and they see a part of themselves in their mother and father. Rarely is it in their best interest to deny visitation or to try to turn them against the other parent. When children are refused the chance to be with a parent, they may begin to idealize him or her, conveniently forgetting all past mistakes or omissions. Sometimes as they get older, children resent the custodial parent, who they believe robbed them of an important relationship during critical developmental years-a relationship they feel cannot be recreated. Interestingly, children who are allowed and encouraged to interact with biological parents tend to feel permission to develop good relationships with stepparents. When a parent has been particularly abusive or neglectful, they may choose not to have frequent contact. But then, because it is their choice, the custodial parent is not viewed as punishing or manipulative.
        Step-relationships do not have to be the same as biological relationships to be good and satisfying. Letting go of the need to have the blended family look and feel like a first-marriage family is important to helping it move ahead in a healthy, satisfying way.
        Jealousy is a common issue in stepfamilies, and, surprisingly to most involved, no one seems to be exempt from this particular emotion. Children often are jealous as they see their parent spending time with a relative stranger and openly expressing feelings of great caring and emotion. During the first year of our marriage, we asked each of our children to fill out a simple questionnaire about their stepfamily experience. While we were not successful in having them spend much time talking to us about what this was like for them, they were willing to write. I could not have been more surprised to learn that a major concern for one of Brent's daughters was that he might love me more than her. She did not want to be replaced or, worse yet, forgotten.
        Jealousy between step-siblings occurs as one child believes the other receives preferential treatment, has more things, is disciplined less, etc. Fair does not always mean equal, and this can be a difficult concept for both parents and children to understand and appreciate. Another of our daughters, only a few months ago, said, "In some ways it's harder for me now because I feel more compared than I did when I was younger. The realities of the children's seven more years of school, their choice of friends and hobbies, and their extracurricular activities have inevitably taken the children on somewhat different paths from each other. While we try very hard to appreciate each of our children for their individual talents and qualities, differences are apparent.
        Jealousy of one's spouse's children seems to be one of the most confusing and unexpected emotions related to remarriage, and it is often difficult for adults to make sense of it at an intellectual level. This can be particularly true if both spouses have children of comparable ages behaving in not-so-comparable ways. Steven, for example, has two daughters who live with his former wife. He has visitation on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend and is never happier than when he is with them. Both daughters are talented, socially adept, but not particularly interested in scholarly pursuits. Steven's current wife, Wendy, also has two daughters, and they excel in school. Each time they receive an honor or bring home a glowing report card, Steven experiences conflicting feelings of pride mixed with disappointment toward his own children. This is followed by guilt for having such immature and unsupportive thoughts. It is naturally difficult to feel the same degree of pleasure in the accomplishments of individuals for whom there is no natural tie, especially when those successes are reminders of less successful experiences of others who hold an important role.
        Loyalty conflicts are often related to the jealousies experienced and can be extremely common. Some children have indicated that they can not allow themselves to like the new stepparent because it somehow represents a betrayal of the absent biological parent. The reverse can also be true for the stepparents. Feeling loving, proud, or concerned for a step-relative can be self-interpreted as a lack of loyalty to the corresponding biological family member. Simply acknowledging true feelings and understanding why they may appear from time to time can be helpful in normalizing the stepfamily experience. This may lead to open discussion, which tends to ultimately have beneficial impact.
        The transitions required during visitation are often difficult for children to negotiate, even under the best of circumstances. They become more difficult if children believe they are expected to spy or if they are told negative things about the absent parent, again creating great loyalty concerns. It is most helpful to focus with them on the positive aspects of their visits, avoid interrogating or prying about the other household, and allow children some adjustment time when they return from visits with the other biological parent. If their blended family's home is consistently a safe place where they are not forced into choosing sides or engaging in behavior that feels hurtful, they will be less likely to resist going to visit and returning.
        Points to remember:
• Satisfactory step-relationships can develop with time and effort.
• Good step-relationships tend to support good couple relationships.
• Continued contact with both biological parents is important to the children.
• Step-relationships do not have to be the same as biological relationship to be good and satisfying.
• Feelings of jealousy and conflicts of loyalty are normal aspects of stepfamily adjustment.

CONSTRUCTIVE RITUALS ARE DEVELOPED

        Celebrations and traditions that are repeated year after year create family continuity, good relationships, happy memories, and feelings of belonging. These can be important details that pull family members together. In first marriages these traditions seem to evolve and develop over time. Sometimes what feels very important to children may register as rather insignificant to adults-and vice versa. Regardless of whether these rituals are formalized or result quite by chance, healthy and cohesive families can define important rituals in their lives.
        The feeling of disconnectedness that sometimes prevails in new remarriages often is related to the lack of family his story as the stepfamily begins. Each family member may have ways of doing things that can seem "right" or "best" and they can resent or resist another's way of doing the same thing. Sometimes there can be a sense of loss when old habits-maybe as simple as a bedtime routine-suddenly disappear. Changes in more major events can be even more distressing. This can be a time for summoning imagination and being willing to experiment with new ideas.
        Brett and Karen finally decided to settle a family dispute by having two Thanksgiving dinners, one with turkey and dressing on Thursday afternoon and the other with roasted duck on Thanksgiving Eve with Karen's family. The couple's inventiveness was challenged again only a month later at Christmastime when the children finally agreed to the suggestion that opposite sides of the tree could be decorated quite differently-one with strings of popcorn and cranberries and he other with candles and tiny wooden German ornaments. Each family set wanted to retain its former holiday traditions, and fortunately this couple was able to creatively incorporate key elements of both into their new stepfamily traditions. This problem-solving strategy was applied to how birthdays were celebrated, how family vacations were organized, etc., and to even more routine events such as dinnertime, housecleaning, and homework rules.
        Brett and Karen found a way that worked for them, but it may not fit with every family style. The specifics of which situations to plan and of how these situations are handled probably are not as significant as recognizing the importance that is attached to the rituals and dealing with them in ways that feel comfortable for the individuals involved. Many step-families have found that creating new family traditions, with everyone included from the start, can be a very satisfying way of dealing with this issue. Rituals may be seemingly insignificant things such as a subtle gesture to send a specific meaning or clearly defined routines such as celebrating special events.
        There can be a clear advantage to creating new traditions for days or events in such a way that the blended family's special occasions will likely not be in conflict with those planned by a former spouse. For example, having a grand yearly celebration for the day this group of people became a new family unit can promote closeness and family identity. Others have chosen to observe Labor Day or Groundhog Day or to create their own holiday if special days are established and more minor rituals observed as well, unique to the new family unit alone, the more traditional holidays sometimes are easier to negotiate. Successful remarried families also work out innovative ways of dealing with transitions for holidays and the manner in which children move back and forth between two households for visitation.
        Some LDS families have reported that Sunday church attendance and Monday-night family home evenings are natural ways of pulling children together in a format with which they are already comfortable. Reading scriptures together, praying before each meal, and preparing for a sibling's mission are all familiar things that can contribute to a feeling of belonging together and doing what is right.
        While it is important to find times to work and play together as an entire group, it is also essential to remember that each family member needs his or her own time and space. Planning occasions when either one or both parents can have a "date" with one child can make that particular child feel acknowledged and special and at the same time allow the others to anticipate their own turn. Open discussions, alone or in a group, allow children to express their thoughts and feel as though their unique perspectives contribute to the whole. When family members feel secure in their value to the family, they may be more willing to share and cooperate. Consider the following:
• Family traditions, based on interests of all family members, are necessary to ensure good relationships and feelings of belonging.
• Creating new rituals can be valuable to the stepfamily and help with transitions for holidays or visitation.
• Balancing family activities with time for individual interests is important.

THE LDS BLENDED FAMILY

        Without question, LDS remarried families are likely to have some questions that may not even be considered by families of other faiths. One of the most common concerns relates to the concept of the eternal nature of the family. While divorces are not forbidden, they certainly are not encouraged. Great emphasis is given to better understanding problems, resolving conflicts, and enhancing personal communication and negotiation skills within the existing family unit. When a divorce does take place, it may be perceived as a clear indication that the couple is off course or has deviated from the sacred plan. Families are supposed to be forever, and there is not a comfortable way of fitting a "broken" family into the bigger scheme of things. Not uncommonly, LDS single adults talk of not feeling a part of a culture that so clearly stresses the importance of being a member of a larger family. Those negative feelings can be even more intense when divorce is the reason for being single.
        Often when an individual remarries, there is a great sense of relief felt by ward and family members. Marriage is considered a most sacred ordinance, and it is highly valued because it can be that special kind of relationship in which love, support, and trust abound. Remarriage can lend the appearance that the individuals are back on course, living the eternal plan, even though their righteousness or diligence in following the commandments may not have changed from how it was when they were single. Sadly, it can sometimes feel to the remarried couple that the appearance of being one solid unit is what is most important and that the complexities of stepfamily relationships, such as family members living in other households, should not be openly discussed. They may try to present themselves in ways more typical of a first-marriage family, avoiding the very things which could lead to a closer and more cohesive family bonding. Thus, remarried families often fail to receive the understanding and support which could be helpful to them; in addition, they do not feel they have permission to do things differently than what they typically consider to be the norm.
        In addition to feeling the need to be and look like a first-marriage family, less obvious but more personal or far-reaching issues may be of concern. When a couple is legally divorced, they may also receive a cancellation of the religious sealing-essentially, a temple divorce. Although a man and a woman may remarry and may be sealed to new spouses, there is no provision for sealing children to more than one set of parents. Their sealing to the original set of parents remains intact, regardless of marital status of the two biological parents of the children. It is sometimes helpful to explain that the blessings and promises the children received as part of the sealing ordinance belongs individually regardless of what ever happens to other family members. Nevertheless, it can be difficult to explain to the children, and even to parents themselves, how their family will be configured in the eternities.
        In this chapter, I have tried to offer some practical suggestions for being happy and feeling successful in a stepfamily. It is important to remember that suggestions will be most helpful when we approach our challenges from a spiritual perspective. Heavenly Father is loving and benevolent, and he wants us to be happy. We are not expected to be perfect, but,- rather, our experience on earth is given to help us learn and grow from our mistakes. The family unit is without question the basis for all that is important in the building of the kingdom. We should focus all our efforts toward preserving and strengthening the family unit, whether it is a first-marriage family or a blended family. When we are righteous and humbly seek his guidance, Heavenly Father will be there to help us succeed, no matter what our circumstances may be.
        Sometimes, in our weakness, we make mistakes that can have dramatic ramifications for ourselves and for others who are very important to us. When that happens, we have been given the gift of repentance. We may not be able to fix what has been broken, but we should move ahead in the best ways we can, always focusing on self-improvement and enhancing our relationships. At other times, events occur which are out of our control, but which also have impact on us in deeply significant ways. Because we do not have a complete vision of the greater plan of our Father in Heaven, we may sometimes see things as unfair and even hopeless. But we must remember that we have repeatedly been promised, both in scripture and by modern-day prophets and apostles, that the Lord will assist us in all our righteous endeavors.
        Heavenly Father is there to help us be at peace, accomplish the necessary tasks of this life, and return to his presence. The structure and programs of the Church are designed to help all types of family units do just that, and adherence to gospel principles is good for everyone in every circumstance.
        Stepfamily living certainly brings with it added complexities. Sometimes that is because of the internal nature of the many interrelated family connections. Sometimes it is because those around us do not fully understand what is happening and may not be as supportive or helpful as they could be.
        Regardless of the reasons for challenges or the difficulty of dealing with many complications, a fulfilling, positive, and happy experience is truly possible in a second marriage. There are hundreds of references in the scripture dealing with children and families and in not one case is a blended family excluded from those blessings and promises. Struggling, learning, and growing in the most holy of associations -the family - can prepare us to rise to our eternal destiny. "All these things  shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7).
Here are some points to remember:
· Adherence to gospel principles is good for all types of families.
· Heavenly Father loves and helps all families.
· Blended families can be "forever" families.