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Resolving Remarriage Challenges
Jan and Brent Scharman
Developing a strong marital relationship in remarriage
requires applying all the principles which apply in first marriages -- good
communication skills, weekly date night, conflict resolution, etc. However, in
remarriage there are additional challenges related to overcoming the
difficulties which are inherent in stepfamilies.
"Unrealistic expectations are among the stepfamily's greatest stumbling
blocks. Success hinges on the ability of the couple to come to terms with
reality." Elizabeth Einstein
Following are some of the common remarriage challenges, the problems they
provoke, suggestions for resolving these problems, and possible phrases which
could be used as you communicate with family members.
I. CHALLENGE:
Things compete with the couple relationship.
Problems:
•Kids want your time.
•Your mind may be on many different things, all of which feel important.
•Your partner may be adjusting to the new family differently than you are --
especially if he/she is the one moving in to your house.
•You move too cautiously because of the hurt you experienced in your first
marriage.
•You believe this marriage won't work any way, so you don't fully commit.
•You have extended family who aren't too positive about the new marriage and
you have an ex who hopes you'll get divorced so he/she will look like the
"good guy." (She must have been the one with the problems since she's already
divorced again.)
•You feel different and inferior compared to your friends who are happy in
their first marriages and, thus, may act with a lack of confidence.
•You compare your current mate to your former mate. This is particularly a
problem if the first marriage was good and the partner died.
•You feel uncomfortable being loving with your new partner in front of your
kids for fear it will hurt their feelings and so, you act too distant.
Solutions:
• Believe in yourself and the marriage. Understand that your
beliefs and expectations are very important. Remember that feelings follow
thoughts.
•Don't take the marriage for granted. Consciously think about what you could
to today that would be helpful. Love is a daily decision.
•Think about what you could do differently in this marriage than you did in
the first. Learn from your mistakes, but don't feel you have to totally change
who you are. Your partner married you because they love you as you are.
•Get away as a couple on a regular basis. If money is a problem, be creative.
• Talk regularly and include feelings as part of the converstation.
•Do unexpected things such as helping around the house, bringing home a gift,
sending flowers, making a phone call, etc.
•Make certain your sex life is healthy. Sex can be better in the remarriage
because you've learned from the first and be less inhibited. Talk openly.
Suggested Phrases:
"I love you."
"Thanks for talking to Kim during the birthday party. It makes me feel good
when I see that relationship strengthening."
"I like it when you hold my hand in public."
"Let's go off somewhere together this weekend. I want to be alone with you."
"When you wrote that letter to Rebecca, it made me feel like we were really a
family."
"Thanks for offering to take Sam fishing. When I see you get close to my kids,
it really makes me feel good."
"I love your hair that way."
"That's a great outfit. You look nice in it."
"You're a great husband. I was lucky to marry you."
II. CHALLENGE: Where to live after
the remarriage.
Problems:
•Kids feel like their home has been invaded by strangers.
•Kids who are moving in or visiting feel like invaders or like they are not
wanted.
•Stepkids feel like they have to adapt to all of the habits and customs of the
family whose home they're moving into.
•Kids may have to move away from familiar things and routines, i.e., friends,
school, neighborhood, etc.
•Kids have to live in a home with a new stepparent while they have memories of
their absent biological parent.
• Biological parent may compare how the stepparent does activities with how
the other biological parent did them.
• Visiting kids may feel they don't have their own space.
•Families who move to a new home may not have adequate money to buy the home
they want
Solutions:
•Wherever you end up, make sure kids have their own space
--even if it's only a few drawers or a bed.
•Talk with kids about how they feel.
•After a few months assess "Is this working?"
•Don't move impulsively. Make certain you consider all the pros and cons and
include the kids in the discussion. There are definite advantages in starting
over together, but it does mean more major adjustments. If you stay in the
same house and stepsibs move in, arrange some type of activity that formally
welcomes newcomers and makes it clear "This is your house as much as it is our
house."
•Make it clear to stepsibs who visit that this is their house
-- they don't have to knock on the door, get permission to do things, etc.
•Do things to help establish a feeling of ownership, i.e., decorating,
rearranging furniture, etc.
• Talk about family guidelines, i.e., putting feet on the table, sleeping on
the couch, eating routines and traditions, TV expectations, etc.
•Be aware of male/female issues. Stepsibs may not feel the same incest taboos.
Openly discuss boundaries, dress standards, appropriate touching, etc.
Suggested Phrases:
"Katie, I like what you've done with your room."
"Haley, you don't look like you've really relaxed here yet. How could we help
this feel more like your house?"
(Biological parent speaking) “When you see me acting like I expect things a
certain way, please ask me about it, I want you to feel comfortable here.
"Chris, Brandon has been sharing your room now for one month. Tell me how it's
going."
"Holly, what could we do to help you make some friends in this neighborhood?
Would you like to invite somebody to spend the night?"
(Stepparent speaking) "As the newcomer here I'd like to give a little
feedback. It seems like everyone's always in a hurry and we don't have enough
time to talk."
(To stepson who's moved in) "Mark, how would you feel about cutting the lawn
once a week? I can show you how we've usually done it."
Ill. CHALLENGE: Finances may be more
complicated.
Problems:
•You hoped remarriage would solve your financial problems, and
now you're disappointed.
•You have less discretionary money than you did in your first marriage.
•Should you keep your money separate, or use the "common pot" method?
•Children are resentful because there are more people to share money with.
•Paying money to a former spouse who handles money differently than you do
creates negative feelings.
Solutions:
• Be willing to learn by trial and error to find the "best
way" for you.
• After 6 months of marriage, re-evaluate how you're handling money.
•"I'll pay my bills and you pay yours" tends to separate couples.
•Talk about different spending/saving patterns, and try to develop a plan that
is comfortable for both.
•Act quickly, assertively, and reasonably if not getting legally entitled
child support. It is true that many men don't pay support because they don't
like how they are being treated.
Suggested Phrases:
"Thanks for sending the check on time. I appreciate it."
"I know it feels like there isn't enough money to go around. Let's talk about
what we've got and what we need."
"Johnny, I heard you tell your sister you never get to do
anything since I married Joe. Tell me how things seem different to you now."
"I want you to know I appreciate your working two jobs. I know
you're doing all you can for the family."
IV. CHALLENGE: The need to establish
new traditions.
Problems:
•
People feel a loss of stability when they give up traditions and may be
resistant when they are expected to do so.
• Giving up old
traditions, or starting new ones, may make one feel uncomfortable and
resentful.•When a new tradition is imposed, newcomers may feel
unimportant or lacking in power.
• Giving up traditions may be
interpreted by some as not caring about the other family anymore.
Solutions:
• Hang on to as many traditions from both
families as is practical.
• As always, talk about what the
individuals want to do. Make it clear that as parents you're not trying to
take away the past or force some new experience on them.
•
Create new traditions both by active planning and through every day living.
• Celebrate the creation of the stepfamily as a "holiday."
•
Pick a day at random to be a special day for your family. For instance,
September 10 each year may be saved for a special outing.
•
Avoid holiday hassles to the degree possible by negotiating reasonably and
trying something new. Try to avoid power struggles about "your time with the
kids." Even holidays that seem unchangeable like Christmas morning,
Thanksgiving dinner can actually be flexible.
• Try surprising
your ex by offering something he or she doesn't expect such as extra time on a
visit or allowing them to take Christmas morning two years in a row.
Suggested Phrases:
"We've always gone to
the parade on July 24. What are you kids used to doing?"
"I
wonder how you kids would feel about doing something special on Christmas Eve
this year instead of on Christmas morning."
"Do you guys have
any ideas about something we could do each year that would be a tradition just
for our family?"
"Is there anything you kids miss now that you
live here-maybe something youlooked forward to every year?"
V. CHALLENGE: Living and associating with people for whom you may not have
natural feelings of affection. Problems:
• May lead to feeling guilty.
• Stepparent may try too hard, or
avoid the relationship.
• Children may reject stepparent or
stepsiblings.
Solutions:
• Don't feel
guilty or impose guilt feelings.
• Develop realistic
expectations by learning the stepfamily cycle--it takes time.
•
Spend one-on-one time with stepchildren.
• "Pay off" positive
behaviors.
• Try to understand the other's point of view.
• Show appreciations for efforts extended.
Suggested
Phrases:
"How was it for you when your kids went home and
you were left here with mine?"
"I know you're looking forward
to having children together, but I appreciate your patience with my kids right
now."
VI. CHALLENGE: Children resist the stepparent.
Problems:
• Stepparent feels unwanted and unappreciated.
• Kids feel uncomfortable in their own home (or on visits).
•
Biological parent tries to move things along too quickly so everyone will be
happy.
• Comparisons are mad e with the other biological
parent. Kids feel mad if the stepparent doesn't measure up and they feel
guilty if the stepparent is "better."
• Children may resist
developing feelings for the stepparent.
• Children may not like
it if stepsibs develop feeling for their biological parent.
Solutions:
• Realize relationships take time and cannot be
forced.
• Kids are surprisingly adaptable, especially when
young. When given space, they often "come around."
•
Adjustment time may be different for all family members.
• Do
things with all combinations of kids- alone, group, biological, step, etc.
• Do a variety of things which may have different appeal for different
individuals. Do fun things, hard things, activity things, work things, short
things, long things, free things, complicated things. Try activities from
walking around the block to going on a cruise. Make being in this family an
enjoyable experience.
• Encourage kids to do something as a
surprise for the other parent or stepsiblings, such as writing a note,
bringing a present, helping with an activity, etc.
• As
stepparent attend recitals, parent/teacher meetings, etc.
•
Make a collage as a way to discussing relationships and feelings.
Suggested Phrases:
"Thanks for sending that birthday
card to Millie." (This might even be the right thing to say if you had
preferred they had come and visited with a present.)
"Hey you
guys, why don't we clean up your stepsister's room as a surprise."
"Let's take your stepmom out to breakfast this Saturday. I think she' like
that."
"I hope you guys know that we don't expect you to love
your mom any less just because I'm now married to somebody else. I hope you'll
come to like Christine, and feel comfortable visiting here, but I know
it will take some time."
"Annie, I know this is hard for you.
Thanks for coming to visit."
(Driving kids home from a visit)
"How did you feel about visiting this week? What could we do to make it
better? Are there things you'd like to do next time you come?"
(For kids living together) "Thanks for getting along tonight. It made the
evening much more fun for all of us."
(For the child who won't
volunteer information) "Lynn, you look so dad. What's going on with you?"
VII. CHALLENGE: Competition from the former spouse
Problems:
• Anger with first spouse affects current marriage.
• Interactions with first spouse are consistently unpleasant
because of hurt and anger.
• It's difficult to trust.
• It's easy to over-react.
• Normally happy occasions (birthdays, weddings, graduation,
etc.) result in unpleasant interactions.
• Occasional feelings of love, attraction, or jealousy of
former spouse may be confusing to current spouse.
Solutions:
• Allow spouse to talk openly about former partner and vent
feelings without fearing you will over-react, become protective, or upset.
• Share feelings which leads to resolution of feelings.
• Accept that the new spouse can't have an objective
perspective of the first marriage events.
• Don't become a rescuer to make up for all past hurts.
• Set healthy boundaries with a former spouse, but don't "go
after him/her."
Suggested Phrases:
"Thanks for not hassling Bob when you answered the phone."
"When your ex calls next time, why don't you tell him the kids
said they had a great time on their visit."
"I noticed you shook hands with Dave when we got to the
meeting. That was nice of you."
"Thanks for standing in line with Jane and her new husband.
I'm sure that wasn't very comfortable for you."
"I like the way you didn't take any crap from Ted, but you
didn't blow up either."
VIII. CHALLENGE: In-laws may not accept the new partner and stepchildren.
Problems:
• Individuals need to be able to mourn the loss of the first
family and to talk about it.
• Family get-togethers may become uncomfortable.
• Birthdays and other holidays may be celebrated in unfair
ways.
Solutions:
• Allow adequate time for adjustment.
• Understand crisis theory (the deep V).
• Arrange opportunities for family members to interact.
• As stepparent, initiate unexpected phone calls or visits to
family members.
• As stepparent, help in the other parent's role, i.e., take
grandma shopping.
• Allow for opportunities to ask questions.
• Be clear that it is okay for them to have a continued
relationship with the former spouse.
Suggested Phrases:
"Grandma, I know you don't understand about Bill and me
getting a divorce. Why don't we talk about it for a little while."
"Mary, can we talk about Thanksgiving dinner. I know you don't
know John's kids very well and I'd like to talk about how we're going to
handle things."
"That was nice of you to call my mom and see how her recovery
from surgery was coming along."
"I know my family reunion may not be the highlight of your
week, but I appreciate your willingness to go."
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