I. Families are informed

A. Read as much as possible (see bibliography below).
B. Attend workshops or seminars.
C. Develop a support system with other stepfamilies.

II. Losses are acknowledged and mourned

A. All family members will have experienced significant losses prior to the new family and need an opportunity to work through them. This may still be true several years after the fact.
B. Children often need to be invited to talk about concerns. They may prefer to talk with someone other than the parent.
C. Divorce in some ways may be more difficult to deal with than death. Individuals feel the guilt associated with divorce and closure may be less clear.
D. Extreme anger toward a former spouse sometimes suggests lack of an emotional divorce.
E. There are losses of all kinds -- dream of a successful marriage, opportunity to raise your own children from birth, self-esteem, finances~ stability, friends, familiar surroundings, daily contact with both parents, etc.

Ill. Expectations are realistic

A. Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
B. Integration for step relationships may take up to 6 years.
C. A new beginning for adults may signal an ending for children.
D. Stepparent-stepchild relationships will likely never be exactly the same as biological relationships.
E. Allow children to choose not to be a constant companion or best buddy to a stepsibling.
F. In many respects, stepfamilies work differently than first marriage families. Do not compare family success to a first marriage model.

IV. The couple is unified

A. The couple relationship is often put on hold in order to deal with the many complexities of remarriage.
B. View time alone together as a necessity rather than a luxury.
C. Children benefit from having the model of a happy relationship.
D. Both partners decide together how they will deal with major issues. At first it's generally best to . let the biological parent discipline.
E. Couples who pool their financial resources tend to be closer emotionally.

V. Dynamics of children's behavior are understood

A. The parent-child bond predates the couple union. Children often act out in an effort to break up the new couple, bring biological parents together to solve problems, test limits,
etc. Biological parent may feel caught between new spouse and children.
B. Divorce is more common in remarriages. However, this is true only when children were present before the marriage.
C. Good stepparent-stepchild relationships may be the best predictor of marital success.

VI. Satisfactory steprelationships are formed

A. Stepparents who define their role with their stepchildren as that of friend are usually most satisfied.
B. Children need to have the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents, regardless of the parents' differing views.
C. Loyalty conflicts are common. Steprelatives do not have to love each other. However, if love feelings do develop, it may feel as though they are abandoning their biological relative.
D. Be acceptant and tolerant of differences in children.

VII. Constructive rituals are developed

A. Families can be creative developing traditions specific to this new family
B. Children may need to hang on to some past traditions that were meaningful.
C. Work out innovative ways of dealing with transitions such as holidays or visitations.

VIII. Physical facilities for all family members

A. Where practical each child (including visiting children) should have some area or property that is their own. Individual bedrooms are ideal but often impractical. It may be more possible to have an individual bed, drawer, toothbrush, or other personal items.
B. Make family rules for this household clear but flexible.

IX. Open discussions can take place

A. Children should have their questions answered with age appropriate information that is not given in an attitude of hate and bitterness.
B. Discuss what to call one another (stepmother, mom, by name, etc.)
C. Talk about how they feel about their new place in the family (oldest child may not be oldest any more).
 

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Beer, W.R. (Ed.) (1988). Relative strangers. Totowa, New Jersey: Rowman & Littlefield.

Berman, C.G. (1980). Making it as a stepparent: New Roles. New York: Doubleday & Company, Inc.

Eckler, J.D. (1988). ~ Step by stepparenting Crozet, VA: Betterway Publications, Inc.

Einstein, E. & Albert, L. (1986). Strenghtening your step familv. Circle Pines, Minnesota: American Guidance Service.

Franks, H. (1988). Remarriage: What makes it? What breaks it?

Suffolk, England: St. Edmundsbury Press, Ltd.

Maglin, N.B. & Schniedewind, N. (Eds.) (1989). Women and step families. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.

Paris, E. (1984). Stepfamilies Making Them Work. New York: Avon Books.

Roosevelt, R. & Logas, J. (1977). Living in step. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Smith D. (1990). Stepmothering. New York: St. Martin's Press, Inc.

Stuart, RB. & Jacobson, B. (1985). Second marriage: Make it happy! New York: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

Visher, E. & Visher, J. (1982). How to Win as StepfamiIy New York: Dembner Books.

Visher, E. & Visher, J. (1979). Stepfamilies: A guide to working with stepparents and stepchildren U. New York: Brunner / Mazel.

Wallerstein, J.S. & Blakeslee, S. (1989). Second chances. New York: Ticknor & Fields.