LDS MEN AND DIVORCE
S. Brent Scharman

        In 1982, after thirteen years of temple marriage, my wife and I separated. She and our seven daughters remained in the house we had been buying, and I moved in with my father and sister. Nine months later our divorce was final. The process was reasonably simple, and to those who hadn't known what was taking place, there would have been little reason to think anything was different. I still carried out my tasks at work; I still went to church (though eventually in a different ward), and I attempted to be my "old self" wherever I went.
        My normal activities covered up a lie. I was dying emotionally, and everything that mattered to me had been changed in a way I had no ability to control. I felt helpless and lost. Ordinarily stable and unemotional, I found myself waking up at four o'clock in the morning and physically shaking. I closed my door at the office and cried uncontrollably for half an hour at a time. I went on walks during my lunch hour and reflected on what I could do that might change the situation.
        I prayed for hours every day that something would change reality. I vacillated between begging God for a miracle and intellectually accepting that agency can't be prayed away. I would read Matthew 6:10, "Thy will be done," and realize I needed to trust God and put my life in his hands. Then I'd read 3 Nephi 1 8:20-21, "And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you. Pray... that your wives and your children may be blessed." I'd rededicate myself to using all the faith and works at my disposal to bring about the result I desired. To say I was on an emotional roller coaster would be too mild. I was in an emotional and spiritual earthquake that felt totally consuming.
        My personal experience opened the door to a world of experiences and feelings that previously I had understood only intellectually. Like many topics we study about or discuss in the classroom, reality was different than theory. Some may think that because divorce has become easier to obtain than it was previously, it has become less traumatic. They are wrong. My own experience and those of others I've come to know document that the pain is still present. Those with children who are contemplating divorce and believe the hurt will be only a minor, short term inconvenience are wrong too. Today, thirteen years after divorce, there are few days in which there is not a practical and painful reminder that I am a divorced man.
        The reader may wonder if the pain I'm describing causes me to believe that divorce is always a mistake and should never be undertaken under any circumstance. I do not believe that. There may be some circumstances that make divorce an appropriate choice in spite of the complications it brings. There are ways of moving through the process of divorce that can reduce the harmful effects to some degree. And the human spirit is resilient; growth and insight can follow tragedy when we maintain a long-term pattern of healthy choices. Nevertheless, the covenant aspect of marriage, particularly that of temple marriage with the eternal significance of sealing promises, makes divorce a decision which should be undertaken only after all possible efforts have been made to improve the marital relationship.
        Most all of us have commented at one time or another about divorce being more common today. It appears that individuals are less willing to demonstrate long-term commitment and more willing to allow short-term frustrations to prompt divorce. In Utah, approximately one sixth of divorces take place among couples married one year or less. President Joseph Fielding Smith spoke of the importance of honoring covenants and of the price to be paid by those who neglect to do so. He said, "Marriage is the covenant of exaltation. It is the foundation for eternal exaltation, for without it there could be no eternal progress in the Kingdom of God. Nothing will prepare mankind for glory in the Kingdom of God as readily as faithfulness to the marriage covenant." He went on to say, "When that covenant is broken (covenants made in the temple cannot be broken without dire punishment to the one who is guilty) it will bring eternal misery to the guilty party."1
        Today, with a less emotional perspective, I can understand why my former wife wanted a divorce. We had struggled for a long time, and though to me that was simply part of life and I believed we'd mature through it, to her it felt smothering and unchangeable. She wasn't a bad mother and I wasn't a bad father, but as husband and wife we didn't nurture each other satisfactorily. Our attempts to see and change our own roles in making the marriage unhappy were less successful than our efforts to see each other's weaknesses.
        I have heard it said that in most instances a spiritual divorce precedes the real divorce, and certainly this was the case in our marriage. Years of growing apart, with a foundation laid in struggles experienced during our eighteen months of dating, led to the eventual final break. Today we're both happily married to other people, and the maturity and growth that have taken place have benefited these new relationships. Part of the pain of divorce, however, is that periodically most people wonder what "might have been" had they been able to work out the problems of their failed marriages.
        In retrospect, I would handle things differently. During the dating and engagement months I would pay more attention to the differences that were present and deal with them in an honest, problem-solving, nonjudgmental way. I would acknowledge that arguments and repeating problems during dating portend problems for future marriage. I would be certain that at the time of engagement, in spite of the challenges of the dating period, both partners felt good about the decision to proceed with marriage.
        Following marriage, I would not ignore repeating problems. My former wife and I were good at demonstrating endurance, but we weren't good at sitting down together when things were going well and calmly resolving our problems in a permanent way. I would also be more persistent about getting help from an ecclesiastical leader and professional counselor. Periodically we talked to our bishop, but not often enough to receive permanent help. Professional counseling was resisted until it was too late. Once we went, the counselor was helpful, but decisions had already been made.
        I was recently asked how I coped with guilt about my role in the divorce. I responded that I probably have more guilt now than I did then. I don't mean that to sound neurotic or self-punishing. What I meant was that at the time the divorce took place, I felt my former wife and I had tried everything possible to resolve the problems and I couldn't see anything else to try~ The unhappiness was intense enough, especially on the part of my wife, that something needed to happen to bring relief. When pain is intense, problems enduring, and solutions elusive, divorce can appear to be the only answer.
        Today, fourteen years after the separation, it's clearer to me how I played a role in the breakup. Misunderstandings during the dating months, based on insecurities and lack of dating experience, combined with the inevitable stresses of being in school for the first eight years of marriage while working full-time, having seven children, financial challenges, etc., led to what seemed like problems that couldn't be overcome. If I had it to do over again I would intellectualize less with my wife about how "this could all be for our good" and I'd spend more time listening to her feelings and letting her know that I cared about them. It's not that I didn't do any of this while we were married, but from my wife's perspective, my way of caring may have come across as a technique rather than as a sincere effort. This was complicated by the fact that I sometimes became upset when my attempts to be positive were greeted with no response on her part.
        My experience is by no means a reflection of what divorce is like for all men. My experience is a reflection of what divorce is like for anyone, male or female, who doesn't want a divorce but whose partner does. In some cases, of course, it is the man who wants the divorce. The experience of these men is much different from mine. For them, much of the trauma comes previous to the actual separation as they survey their marital situation and make the decision to leave a marriage that is not working. The announcement of the separation for these men may be followed by relief and healing. The wife maybe thrown into a crisis, which produces guilt for the man, or she may be in agreement or unconcerned. Data has shown that men are generally more satisfied with their marriages than women, and are more likely to be surprised when the wife is unhappy enough to want a divorce.2 Approximately two-thirds to three-quarters of divorces in Western society are initiated by women.
        One man I knew had been married for eight years to a woman who had gone from being a wife who looked forward to attending the temple once a month and studying the scriptures together as a couple to a wife and mother who wanted nothing to do with the Church, abused alcohol, spent significant amounts of money impulsively, and who spent most of her free time with friends who were a bad influence. The woman did continue to love her children. Multiple attempts at counseling from the bishop and professionals, and one inpatient stay in a hospital specializing in treating chemical abuse, led to no improvement. His crisis lasted for four years and led to his decision to divorce, which was a relief to him. However, his announcement of his clear intentions and his filing of divorce papers led to the beginning of her crisis. He felt guilty and hoped the action would lead to permanent change. She felt hurt and changed her behavior for two months, then returned to her inappropriate behavior and maintained that choice, though it led to the divorce being finalized.
        Part of the reality, then, is not that divorce is totally different for men than for  women, but rather that divorce is different for those who want it than for those who don't. Divorce is different for those who get child custody than those who don't. It is different for those who have been happy, or at least satisfied, with their marriages than for those who have been unhappy. It is different for those who believe their feelings have been heard and taken into consideration than it is for those who feel they've had little to do with the decision. Some divorces end rather amicably, with both agreeing it's the right thing to do. More frequently they end with hateful intensity, which leaves deep and long-lasting scars to esteem and confidence. Both men and women are the victims.
        That is not to say that there are not differences in how men and women respond to divorce. Some differences in responses of men and women include the following:
· Men are more action oriented and more likely to cope with divorce by working longer hours or joining a softball team.
· Men act more impulsively and are more inclined to go through a period of instability.
· Men are more inclined to keep their feelings to them-selves, whereas women are more inclined to share them with a trusted friend.
· Men enter dating relationships and remarry more quickly.
· Men are often less attuned to emotional cues and may be more accepting of poor relationships, so they're more likely to be shocked at the decision to divorce.
· Men may be less likely to consider the psychological impact of divorce, so they may also be less likely to gain insight from the experience. This may lead to their looking for a new partner who is simply different from the previous one.
        Divorce is a crisis, and those going through it experience predictable feelings. Many go through periods of denial, disbelief, shock, confusion, physical aches and pains, depression, preoccupation, anger, bargaining, withdrawal, and avoidance before reaching a period of acceptance. For the one initiating the divorce, many of these symptoms may be experienced prior to announcing their decision, whereas for the other party the crisis may not really begin until receiving the announcement. For the initiator, the relief the announcement brings may cause him or her to appear particularly insensitive to the spouse who is thrown into the crisis.
        As individuals work through their feelings during and following the divorce, the hope is that though there will be lows and though both spouses will no doubt experience these lows for quite some time, eventually both will return to at least their pre-crisis level of functioning. Unfortunately some do not fully recover from the crisis of divorce and are left with
unresolved feelings.
        Many, perhaps most, learn from the experience and are stronger after having gone through it. Characteristic of those
achieving this resolution would be the individual who says, "I hated everything about the divorce and wouldn't recommend to anyone,
but I learned and grew and became a better per son by going through it."  
        Men and women feel the impact of divorce in many ways, in terms of both practical matters and emotional challenges.  
Following is a list of some of the consequences LDS men feel during and after divorce:
· Feelings of rejection, failure, and guilt  
· Relocating and becoming financially responsible for two households  
· Maintaining loving relationships with children who probably don't live with him
· Maintaining faith, Church activity, and a lifestyle based
on values
· Dating in a responsible manner and seeking remarriage
· Maintaining employment and responsibility in the community

REJECTION, FAILURE, AND GUILT
        When one's partner desires the divorce, there are inevitable feelings of rejection. For men, typical statements might include "I wasn't able to provide well enough financially" (this is particularly true if the former wife begins spending time with a man who has more of the trappings of worldly success), "I wasn't macho enough"  programs and women's magazines have proliferated articles exclaiming that women are attracted to men who are powerful leaders, "take charge" men-without being dominating and controlling), "I wasn't sensitive enough" (again, current media sources describe women as wanting men who share feelings and are more comfortable with personal disclosure than may be naturally comfortable for many men), and "I wasn't desirable enough physically" (a reaction to media portrayals of men, and to men's insecurities going back to teenage years).
        Previously, women who left their marriages had specific accusations against their husbands; most observers would agree with the woman's perceptions that a divorce was necessary in cases, for example, of infidelity; abuse, alcohol, drugs, gambling, unwillingness to work, impulsive spending, and so forth. Today it is more common than ever before for women to leave because they don't love their husbands, they desire some type of personal fulfillment (typically school or career), or they want more space"-i.e., independence which they feel they cannot attain in their marriage. If a man's wife talks of wanting a divorce because her husband is drinking too much, he may not change, but at least it's clear what the problem is and what he needs to do about it. If a woman talks about divorce because she doesn't love her husband, it leaves him feeling helpless and rejected. It takes a very self-confident man to say, "Well she didn't love me, but I'm really OK. I'm sure someone else will love me." This is particularly true if the marriage has been a long one. Long marriages that end with a partner saying "I don't love you may create a feeling that "perhaps another woman won't love me when she gets to know what I'm really Iike?"
        One man who had been married for five years to his unhappy wife was shocked to hear her say that her tears in the temple on their wedding day were not tears of joy but tears of disappointment because she knew she was making a mistake. Though he didn't want to believe that those words could be true, her explanation helped him understand why no efforts to improve their relationship seemed to last for more than a few days at a time. 
        In a similar manner, when a woman leaves her marriage to pursue education or a career or to find "space" to grow, it is the unusual man who has enough self-esteem not to say to him- self, "If I were better in some way, she wouldn't have felt the need to leave. She may still have wanted to pursue some personal changes, but she could have done them here with  me?' A man feels rejected when his wife leaves for any such reason, and he'll probably vacillate between blaming her for being selfish and blaming himself that he wasn't adequate as a husband.
        A man also feels like a failure when his wife leaves for concrete reasons-that is, because there is some objective justification for her feelings. The husband who has worked hard but has not made enough money to pay the bills feels like a failure. The husband who pursues a college degree and yet doesn't graduate or doesn't get into the advanced training program he hoped for or land the desired job feels like a failure. The man who doesn't lose weight or quit smoking, or the husband who doesn't spend more time with the kids or get more active in the Church can feel like a failure. These are the sorts of behavior she can describe at the book club. Other women will agree with her about her perceptions.
        My experience is that few women leave their marriages for these reasons unless the behaviors of their husbands are long term, they show no interest in changing, and the behaviors are affecting the children in a significant negative way such as exposing them to abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, or anger  that is out of control.                                            
        A man can also feel like a failure even when he has been successful. The man who has spent long hours pursuing a degree or building a career may have neglected the family. A man who spent long hours in his role as bishop or stake president may have been unaware of the feelings of resentment that were building up at home. Men who have been active in the Church and who have internalized the concept "No success can compensate for failure in the home"3 are devastated when their marriages end. The deep, soul-shaking realization that the most important thing in his life has just ended and that he is partially responsible for it can be among the most traumatic events a man can experience.
        Constance Ahrons conducted a long-term study funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health and the University of Wisconsin. It was the first research of its kind to study a randomly selected group of divorced parents and their children and compare them with a non-divorced group of families. Ahrons describes the experience of some men going through a divorce:

        Not only do the men who are left suffer a devastating blow to their self-esteem caused by the rejection, but they also tend to feel completely powerless. This sense of powerlessness gathers throughout the time the women are deciding to leave. It may surface during the decision, or at the time of the announcement, but recognizing the gender differences at this marker point may avert many a future crisis.
        The way gender differences are handled during the decision transition may affect a father's future involvement with his children. Many of the noncustodial fathers in my study talked about how used they felt; the wife's leaving had heralded their own breaking point.4

        She quoted one of the men in her study thus: "Not only did I lose my wife, but also my kids, my house, and a big chunk of my money. She took matters into her own hands for once, and the first thing she did was cut me off at the knees. Then she wants me, get this, to go back and talk to her about it. What was I going to do, go back and beg [her] to hand me whatever scraps she had left over?"5
        Guilt is an obvious consequence of divorce. Regardless of the type of husband one has been, it is inevitable that one will reflect on the past and evaluate and reevaluate what took place. This is a normal thing to do. When guilt is healthy, it will lead to insight and change. When it is unhealthy, it will lead to feelings of remorse  which merely bring depression and self-deprecation rather than improvement. A real sign of maturity is learning from experience (this learning is often sparked by guilt) and changing one's behavior so that future associations with the former spouse and children are positive and future new relationships become more healthy than they would have otherwise.

RELOCATING AND SUPPORTING
Two HOUSEHOLDS
        Separation and divorce bring immediate practical challenges. The majority of the time, it is the husband who leaves the home at the time of divorce. In unusual circumstances there are adequate financial resources to support two homes. This may be the case because one breadwinner, typically the husband, makes enough money to support two households, or, more likely today, because both husband and wife work and together there is adequate income.
        Two of the most common though contradictory stereotypes about divorce are that it opens the door to a life of poverty and deprivation for the wife and children and that the husband becomes the fulfillment of the sentiments of the country song, "She got the gold mine and I got the shaft." The truth is that divorce, especially for families with young children, changes the immediate financial realities for both husband and wife in a negative way, and the long-term impact is generally negative for both--at least for the next eighteen years or so Essentially all studies show that women are worse off financially after divorce (though they may be more happy feeling control over what limited resources they do have). Studies are controversial regarding the status of men following divorce, with some statistics showing that men's disposable income is actually greater and others showing that it is less. The variables are related to the size of the family, the capacity for both men and women to generate income, the debt load of the couple at the time of the divorce, and the fair-ness of the court decree.
        Historically, the most common divorce has been one where the woman is granted custody and the man visits every other weekend and one weekday night in between. It is very natural for this arrangement to provoke power struggles. This commonly leads to a situation in which the primary parent (usually the mother), wants more say about the kids than her ex-spouse has. The other parent (usually the father) feels like a visitor in his children's lives, always dependent on the good-will of his ex-wife. As the parent with less direct influence, he feels powerless, controlled by his ex-wife, who he feels is setting all the rules. The father, who's likely to earn more money, may try to use money to equalize the power imbalance, and this inevitably leads to conflict and power struggles.
        Long-term financial impact for both husband and wife is related to length of marriage and resources available. The longer the marriage has been in place, the more likely that factors like splitting of equity in a home and dividing retirement benefits, money in saving and investment programs, etc., all become significant. Regardless of how these assets are divided, they change everything about how both the husband and wife have been anticipating the future.
        When my wife and I separated, I moved myself and my own accumulated possessions to my old room in my father's basement. I stayed there, with items piled to the ceiling ,until I got remarried six years later. That room became the repository not only for all my old possessions, but any new purchases, souvenirs from children's school projects, and leftover dolls or teddy bears from a child's sleep-over in the upstairs TV room where the couch converted to a bed. The room became quite a sight. Most people's reaction was, "I wouldn't have thought you could do it?'
        Again, not all experiences are like this. We've all heard stories of divorced mothers who can't pay the rent while their former husbands entertain in a nice apartment or condo. My experience is that, at least among the active LDS population, divorcing husbands attempt to be responsible where their children are concerned. Most eventually evolve to a lifestyle comparable to that of their former wife and children, and many sacrifice and go without for them.

RELATIONSHIPS WITH CHILDREN
        Probably the most common question I receive about divorce is, "How did it affect your kids?" It's a difficult question to answer; there's no way of knowing how things would have been different had the divorce not taken place.
        One of the most poignant memories I have is that of telling the kids about the impending divorce. My wife and I gathered them together in the living room and we all sat in the middle of the floor. When we told them what was going to take place, they didn't say very much. I was emotional. One of the kids left the room and hid behind the couch in another room. Interestingly, as the day went on and we both tried to be sensitive to what they were going through, providing comfort as needed, it became a day like any other. Eventually the kids went their way and carried out their daily activities as they usually would. In retrospect, I see that because the subsequent few days seemed fairly normal, we talked less about what was happening than we probably should have. I expected a major reaction, requiring hours of interaction, but little was said.
        While I wouldn't want to minimize the negative effects of a divorce on a couple who have no children, it is probably true that the lack of children allows the adults to move into the future independently with fewer complications. Today, although there has been a loosening in age-old traditions, it is still the exception when the father receives custody of children. Approximately 70 percent of custody decisions are still awarded to mothers. Much of the pain of divorce revolves around the inability (or unwillingness) of both parents to maintain an active role in parenting. Two of the most common realities for men following divorce are their inability to be consistently close to their children in a meaningful way when they want to, and their tendency to drift away into obscurity as time passes.
        There are many reasons men become less involved in the lives of their children following divorce. Obvious ones are that it's simply not practical to spend much time together when you live in separate houses, especially when new relationships develop, and the intensity of negative feelings which frequently follow divorce make negotiating and correlating difficult. In addition, there are other reasons which may include feelings of unfairness about court decisions, the need to work two jobs, and subtle or flagrant messages from the custodial home which say, "You're not welcome here:' Whatever the reason, statistics have shown that five years following divorce over 50 percent of noncustodial parents, usually fathers, who have remarried, have lost contact with their children.6
        The labels "deadbeat dad" and "absentee father" are terms commonly used in today's media. The stories of fathers who have selfishly abandoned their children invoke our justified anger as a society. But men and women frequently tell very different stories about their roles. It's not uncommon for men to say, "When I call, she won't let me talk to the kids:' "She tells them terrible things about me and that I don't deserve to see them:' "Each time I go to pick up the kids, she sends one of them out to the car with a handful of bills:' "She doesn't tell me about important events like Back-to-School Night or let me know when they're performing in a program at church:'
        One father reported in a counseling session that after years of struggling against the odds to make his relationship with his children work, he finally gave up. "It was driving me crazy and giving me ulcers. I decided, better a healthy dad who's able to pay the bills than a dad who dies at an early age or ends up in a mental hospital:' Another father who had been very generous with his children and former spouse wondered whether he should continue financially helping the children who were over eighteen, especially in light of the fact that they were so hateful toward him after years of indoctrination by the former wife. In the most extreme cases, fathers document what psychiatrist and author Richard Gardner calls a "parentectomy"-a negative brainwashing of the children by one parent against another.7
        Fathers who have the most involvement with their children are the ones who are most likely to maintain relationships and to be responsible financially. Much of this pattern is established in the first year or two following divorce. Ahrons describes the picture of the "most involved father" as looking like this:
        He is a joint custody parent who is satisfied with the custody decision. He is likely to be single, as is his former Spouse, and has more than the average years of education. He keeps frequent contact with the ex-wife, and they are supportive of each other's relationship to their child. Although the relationship is not free of conflict, neither parent allows the conflict to interfere with parenting. The father feels Satisfied with his relationship to his child and to his ex-wife, and he feels like a contributing parent rather than like a visitor in the child's life.8
        Custody settlements today are more likely to provide for joint custody or visitation that is "fair and reasonable" than was previously done. Nevertheless it is still difficult to juggle schedules, and elicit cooperation between former spouses who may still be emotional, in a manner that is adequate. Even when children and both parents are open to liberal visitation, there is still a big difference between having a nice visit periodically than there is in living with children and actively participating in helping with homework and other everyday activities. It has been extremely painful to me, for example, not to have been present for any of the excitement and activity that precedes a first date or high school dance of seven daughters, or to be part of the debriefing that may be part of the date ending. Activities that may be taken for granted, or even feel like a burden to fathers living at home, such as helping with homework, picking up a child from a piano lesson, competing for time in the bathroom on a busy weekday morning, or sitting around the dinner table and talking together after a meal, may feel like very desirable events to the noncustodial father.
        After my divorce and prior to her remarriage, my former wife, who had sole custody, and I negotiated that I would spend several evenings a week with the kids in their home. This allowed me to maintain contact, allowed the children to receive help, support, and love from me in a setting where they were comfortable, and allowed their mom to spend time doing things other than parenting. While this was demanding for me it was enjoyable and, I think, minimized some of the trauma of the divorce because, in many respects, interaction was as it had been previously. This type of interaction is not always practical~ but research based evidence is clear, the better the interaction between divorcing parents the better the children cope with the divorce.
        Regardless of whether one marries again, or how fast he does it, his highest priority while single should be to his children. Anyone who has been a noncustodial father has stories about the difficulties of remaining close to children. It's difficult but fathers need to use every creative method at their disposal for letting their children know of their interest. I've been aware of fathers whose visitation was made difficult by living in different states than their children who have called regularly by telephone or sent letters in a predictable fashion. The mother of my three stepchildren, who lives in another state, bought a modem for the children so they could communicate easily and quickly. I've been aware of some fathers who had no contact with their children for a variety of reasons beyond their ability to control, who kept a journal of thoughts, feelings and experiences related to their children. The hope of these fathers is that they'll be able to share the journal with their children, who assume their fathers don't care about them, when the children are grown and contact is made possible.
        Some fathers, of course, are custodial fathers. Their challenge is not much different from that of custodial mothers. They need to learn to balance the needs of children with the parent's need to provide income and maintain a satisfying personal life as well. Being a single custodial parent is an overwhelming task for a mother or a father. Most custodial fathers have the support of extended family who can help, but this is not always available. When it is not, the father needs to use good judgment in procuring quality, safe child care for his children  while he cannot be with them.
        Many have been surprised that men have been able to handle being custodial fathers as well as they have. Legal changes that have allowed custody decisions to favor fathers have taken place more frequently in recent years than ever before, and some fathers have shown themselves to be very capable at this task. Part of the challenge for men who are custodial fathers lies with the traditions of society, including employers, which are not very well geared to handle the flexibility that may be required in the schedule of such fathers.

FAITH, LIFESTYLE,
AND CHURCH ACTIVITY
        Ernest Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken place" Divorce shook my faith in a way that nothing else ever has. I remember teaching in Sunday School to a group of fifteen-year-olds when I'd been home from my mission for about five years. I was newly married and the father of one young daughter, going to school, working part-time, and broke financially. I explained to the kids in the class that I didn't have enough money to pay tithing and pay the bills that needed to be paid that week. We discussed what I should do. I said I was going to pay the tithing and would report to them the following week how things had worked out. I had total confidence I would be able to report to them that things worked out as I wanted them to-that I would somehow be able to pay the tithing and the bills. I was correct. I don't remember how things worked out, but I remember that they did. I reported to the class the following week that things had worked out as we hoped, and they were comfortably pleased and reassured in their understanding of how tithing and faith work.
        If faith works for purposes of an object lesson in Sunday School, it should certainly work when the lives of nine individuals are involved and the way in which children and eventually grandchildren will be raised is at stake. I entered our marital separation with the same hopeful faith. I remember talking to a neighbor several months later and explaining that while I saw no evidence that circumstances were improving, I was confident that they would. How could God not answer prayers when the only thing I asked was to maintain an eternal family unit? Wouldn't the Lord bring about what was obviously best for the security of the individuals involved and the generations to follow? My faith was absolute. There was only one problem. It didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Even now, thirteen years later, I realize my faith is not as naive or concrete as it was when I was younger. Perhaps this is inevitable and happens to all of us, whether prompted by a divorce we'd rather have bypassed, the death of a friend or family member we don't understand, a blessing that wasn't fulfilled in the way we thought it should be, or any number of other events that happen every day and challenge our beliefs about how life is supposed to be and how faith is supposed to work.
        I still have faith. It's a vital part of my life. I understand better than ever that agency is given to each of us as one of the most important of all gifts. Today I actively look for sources that help me clarify my feelings about this issue. Two articles in a recent Ensign were good sources of insight.  An article by Grant E. Barton, training director at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah, quoted Elder Bruce R. McConkie thus:

It is not, never has been, and never will be the design and purpose of the Lord-however much we seek him in prayer~ to answer all our problems and concerns without struggle and effort on our part. This mortality is a probationary estate.... We are being tested to see how we will respond in various situations; how we will decide issues; what course we will pursue while we are here walking, not by sight, but by faith.9

        Another article in the same issue of the Ensign taught this important truth:

Remember that we cannot and should not pray away the individual agency of any of our loved ones. Our children may never respond the way we would like them to, but we must allow them their agency and, in the process, maintain our sanity~10

        While the author was specifically referring to the relation-ship of a parent with a child, the same principle applies between a husband and wife. We encourage, teach, counsel, and appropriately influence with longsuffering, but we cannot force another adult to make decisions based on what we would like them to do.
        It is a common enough story to have become another stereotype that LDS men, when they divorce, go through a period of disorganization that leads them to impulsive choices quite out of keeping with their previous lifestyle. I have no idea how accurate this perception is, in reality, because I've never seen any studies or data  that provide documentation. I've known men who have gone through divorce and "gone
off the deep end," but I've known men who have divorced and yet have never shown the slightest glitch in their character and values.
        My own opinion is that most men who allow divorce to be followed by a period of behavior not in keeping with LDS standards are either using the divorce as an excuse for their period of rebellion or are merely acting out some inclinations that have been previously present but controlled more effectively. It's not my attempt to be judgmental but to remind us as men that it is our responsibility to ourselves and to our children to maintain our lives in proper order even at times when our emotions may take us more naturally on a different course.
        To some degree, the "church"-that is, the individual, human membership of the Church-doesn't know what to do with divorced men. There is a tendency, typically unspoken, to assume that the divorced man, who generally doesn't have custody of his children, was probably responsible for the divorce. This belief is strengthened if the man goes through a period of being less active.
        If you observe the composition of the typical ward, you will see a number of active, devoted LDS women who are divorced. It is the exception to see many, or any, active divorced men. There are many reasons for this. The smaller number of active LDS divorced men compared to women makes it easier for them to remarry, which they frequently do quickly. In addition, the discomfort that some men feel in the traditional "married" ward provokes them to attend fewer Church meetings, though this is unfortunate; they may find in the ward a social support network that works well for them as they remarry and reassume a role as an active couple or family. Of course it is true that some divorces take place because the man (or the woman, for that matter) begins leading a non-LDS lifestyle that simply continues once the divorce is complete.
        Prior to our separation, my former wife and I spent time counseling with the bishop and stake president. At the time, and since, I have reflected on how difficult a situation that is for an ecclesiastical leader. If a leader suggests that divorce is not something that should be done, he runs the risk of offending the couple and thus preventing them from seeking any further counsel from Church leaders. If, on the other hand, a bishop or stake president sounds at all sympathetic, he runs the risk of implying that he's in favor of the divorce. In our own situation, and from my own perspective, the combination of a confrontive bishop who was willing to take a stand and an understanding stake president with whom my wife felt comfortable made for an excellent team.
        Coincidentally, an event that occurred the day after our separation as a couple points out how unpredictable life is: I taught the lesson in our High Priests group, and that particular week the topic was the importance of marriage and family.
        While married, I participated in four elders quorum presidencies, two bishoprics, and one high council and taught most of the classes in Sunday School and MIA. After separation, I moved back into the ward in which I had grown up. The reception I received there was remarkably positive. All the rumors I had heard about single men not being accepted in the Church were disproved by my experiences in the ensuing months. The bishop, George Durham, extended some time to me during tithing settlement and assured me that I'd be welcome in the ward. His counselor Richard Ferre greeted me warmly with a big hug the first Sunday I attended the ward. I was quickly given a calling in Primary, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Gary Wright, the other counselor in the bishopric, was friendly and seemed comfortable that I was his son's primary teacher. Former neighbors who remembered me were nonjudgemental and accepted me and were friendly to my children when they participated in ward activities. I was invited to speak in sacrament meeting and encouraged to attend social activities. I spent some very fulfilling years teaching primary before eventually being called as a high counselor in the high priests group leadership, and I was even called to team-teach a family relations class.
        Not all men have the positive experience I did. Hugh Stocks shared his experience of divorce in an unpublished paper entitled "To the Shepherds of Israel." This brother was divorced after thirty-four years of marriage. Both he and his wife maintained their temple recommends and their Church activity during and after the divorce. Brother Stocks described the disappointment of attending Church functions, hoping for support and understanding, but finding little. Brother Stocks writes:

        I will never forget the ward social a week or so after we made the decision to separate. We went together --one of the last times we tried that experiment-but separated at the door, and for the rest of the evening, she was surrounded by sympathetic, nurturing sisters. And I was alone. A few of the brothers spoke to me about sporting events or news of the day. My conclusion was that they had not gotten the news yet. No sister spoke to me that evening, except for one or two with whom I initiated the contact. And none of those conversations lasted more than a minute or two.
        Although that evening is the most poignant in my memory, it simply encapsulates for me the total experience of the next two months-until I gave up and moved to another part of the city and into a new ward and stake. I was suddenly an outsider in my home ward. With rare exceptions, no one spoke to me unless I spoke first; no one asked me how I was doing, even in ordinary politeness. In sharp contrast to the way my wife was being treated, no one sought to discuss with me my personal tragedy.11

        Brother Stocks and his bishop explored why he might have received the treatment he did. They discussed the fact that people just "didn't know what to say;' that ward members felt somewhat betrayed by his "fall;' that women are better at providing nurturing, emotional support than are men, and that there is somewhat of a tendency at the time of divorce to
assign one partner the "good guy" and one the "bad guy" status. The experience of Brother Stocks makes clear the need for priesthood holders to take the risk of reaching out to one another in a supportive manner even though it may not be clear exactly how to do this effectively.
        I'm not sure why my experience was different from that of some others. Perhaps it was the excellence of the ward leadership, the sincerity of the members, or my willingness to jump in and assume that things would work out. Perhaps it was the act of moving to a new ward where I was not mixing with my former spouse. Whatever it was, it is clear  that divorce is a difficult time for men. Anything we can do on a ward or Church-wide basis that says, "Come and join --you're still valued and welcome" is needed. Few responsible leadership positions are filled by single men, so there is little modeling to follow. Others' frequent references to marriage and family can certainly make a man feel different when he is single, regardless of the reason.

DATING AND REMARRIAGE
        I found dating as a divorced man more enjoyable than dating as a younger person. Because of my age and experience,
I was more comfortable. In addition, women seemed to be less judgmental than they had been in high school or college, and conversations came much more easily. Generally speaking, divorced men have a lot in common with the women they date. The man who is a little older will likely be dating women who have also been through a divorce or the death of a spouse. Those who have never married will typically have had experience dating divorced men and will have decided that they are comfortable doing so.
        Experience, maturity, and the willingness to avoid game playing allows relationships to develop much more quickly for divorced individuals who are a little older. Caution must be exercised, however, because this can easily lead to making
impulsive decisions based on feelings alone, without paying adequate attention to all the other realities of the relationship which will be important in helping determine how the relationship works in the long run.
        I was surprised at two observations that were mentioned to me regularly when I was dating following divorce. One observation was that I was probably being deluged with baked goods, dinner invitations, and other offers of a similar nature by the women who knew me. The other observation was based on an assumption that since I was active in the Church, had a good education, and had regular employment, any woman I was interested in would be falling all over herself to let me know of her interest in me. I assume the implication was that any woman who was single and in my age category would be needy and perhaps desperate to have a man show interest in her. It also seemed to imply that a woman would do anything she could think of to have herself be noticed. My experience was that this was not at all the case. The women with whom I associated while I was single, as well as most of the men, were capable and confident and very much interested in determining whether a given dating relationship worked for them and fit into their plans for the future.
        Men who divorce and remain active in the Church while single have reported that it takes a healthy dose of self-esteem to maintain activity and overlook negative comments and actions of others. There is an unspoken expectation that the man will marry as quickly as is practical, and the abundance of single women removes any excuse. Some men have said they felt as though their feelings, or the practical circumstances of their lives (finances, the situation with their children, their readiness to remarry, etc.) were unimportant. Some have said they've even been told, "You're single and there are women who need a husband; you have an obligation to get married."
        The push for men to marry makes it somewhat difficult to date and develop friendships. If a man dates a woman only once, the implication is, "I'm not interested." If he dates a woman more than once, the implication is, "He is definitely interested." While both of these options could be true in a given situation, they're not necessarily the case. A man may date a woman only once, though attracted, because he's not ready for a serious relationship. He may date a woman more than once, when there may not be a likelihood of marriage, because he enjoys a pleasant, comfortable relationship with her, and she seems to feel the same. Perhaps differences in interests, goals, or likes and dislikes make the relationship a great short-term partnership without a good long-term forecast.
        If the goal of dating is to be with as many different partners as possible, and to participate with them in as many different activities and situations as possible, then certainly you will need to expend a great deal of time and effort until you find an individual who likes and loves you just as you are (without any attempts to impress them or win them over), and you like and love them as they are (without their attempting to impress you). You'll want to spend time alone and in groups, meet each other's families, and be with each other when you're happy and discouraged, healthy and sick.
        Ultimately only one of these relationships will lead to marriage. A pessimist could say that all the others were failures, but of course they aren't. These relationships can all have enjoyable elements, and each can be helpful as both individuals learn more about themselves and what they want in a partner. When dating someone who's previously been hurt in a relationship, it is important to be sensitive to the needs and feelings of the other person and not simply to pay attention to your own needs.
        Most men remarry. Statistics have indicated that 80 percent of men remarry following divorce,12 generally within two to three years.'3 And approximately 50 percent of all marriages taking place in 1993 were a remarriage for at least one partner.14 More than 50 percent of men remarry within a year after the legal divorce. Samuel Johnson said, "Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience."'5 The success of a marriage that follows divorce is based on many factors. Choosing a partner with whom one is compatible and to whom one is attracted emotionally and physically is crucial, but learning from past experience is important as well. The stories of those who are unhappy in a second or third marriage are some of the most heart-rending one can hear. This can happen when even the best judgment is used, but it is more likely to happen when individuals have not explored and learned from problems in the previous marriage.
        The tendency of men to solve problems by action rather than by talking makes them somewhat prone to not learning from the past. For example, a man who feels his first marriage failed due to the fact that his wife worked may look for a new partner who is committed to staying home but may not talk through the reason he reached that conclusion about his first marriage. If this is the case, he may end up feeling surprisingly similar feelings when his new wife becomes extremely involved as the Primary president in their new ward.
        It would be to the advantage of most men, as well as their future spouses, if divorced men would go slowly, date a variety of women, use intellect in addition to emotion, and talk through the reasons for the first divorce with a trusted confidant, a priesthood leader, or a professional counselor. Remarriages fail at about the same rate as first marriages, a fact that offers ample evidence that just trying again is not adequate to ensure a happy marriage.

EMPLOYMENT AND
COMMUNITY ACTIVITY
        Life is difficult, and although we sometimes wish we could take a break, life goes on even after divorce. For men there may be less of a change of role following divorce than there is for women. If the man's primary role has been that of the wage earner, and if his involvement with children has been minimal, then there may be less apparent disruption to his everyday life than to that of his wife.
        Though the man's life may show less disruption, that does not mean there is any less pain to his adjustment. According to Constance Ahrons, "Studies show that men suffer at least as much as women do in the first year following divorce. Even if a man finds most of his rewards in work, even if he initiated the divorce, he may be surprised to find how ill prepared he may have been, and how devastated he feels."16
      Most men maintain their employment and activities with friends and the community following divorce, but some develop problems. A common problem for men in regard to these matters is that they may become so immersed in their work that they leave no time for anything else. Work can be as addicting as drugs, alcohol, or any other defense that is used to prevent us from having to face our feelings and deal with them. Overinvolvement in work may provide some predictability and help a man feel he's making progress, but it can also keep him from maintaining or building a strong relationship with his children, who have stronger needs for closeness than ever following divorce.
        Another work-related problem that sometimes, though less frequently, develops for men is that they give up on work (and sometimes on anything else requiring stability and predictability). It is as though they are saying, "I've been hurt, and I don't care what happens." Sometimes these men are mad at their former spouse, or a judge, and want to punish the wife by not having money to give her. To a limited extent, their plan works-that is, it does frustrate the wife and make life more difficult for her. (By the way, it doesn't hurt the judge at all.) Unfortunately the children of these men are also hurt in the process, and eventually the esteem and self-respect of the man behaving in this way are damaged. Divorce is painful, but it doesn't justify irresponsible behavior.

ONCE  DIVORCE  HAPPENS
        Once a divorce takes place, a new relationship is developed. Regardless of how short or long the marriage has been, whether there are children or not, and whether the divorce was full of conflict or fairly amicable, there will be some type of ongoing relationship with the former spouse. To the degree that former spouses are able to drop their old hurts and biases and able to adopt new, more cooperative patterns of interaction, their future relationships will be simplified. When children are involved, this is vital.
        My former wife and I have now achieved a comfortable, cooperative relationship. To some degree, we have been forced by the ongoing realities of life to do so, and to some degree, our current relationship is a result of maturing and aging. The need to interact at parent-teacher conferences, piano recitals, wedding receptions, graduations, and so forth, forces divorced spouses to decide over and over again how they will treat one another. For their own sakes, and the sakes of those around them, divorced individuals are encouraged to learn to do this smoothly.
        My former spouse surprised me by coming through a blizzard, when roads had been closed, to prevent me and my current wife from having three of our children spend the night when we had been married for several months. To me this was a decision that seemed irrational and based on a panicky feeling of competition. This was quite a different response than one that took place several months ago when she purchased, at no request from me, outfits for all seven of our daughters to wear to the wedding reception of their step-brother. She and I have been fortunate to gradually come to recognize each other as reasonable individuals, and it has made cooperation easier. Unfortunately, not all have this opportunity. Years after their divorce, some have seen the behavior of their former spouses as destructive. This, of course, leads to difficulty in establishing healthy ongoing relationships. Men sometimes do more than their share in promoting these perceptions and thus creating these problems. A great deal of unnecessary pain can be avoided by creating habits and patterns that will allow former spouses and children to be able to count on them in predictable ways.

IDEAS TO CONSIDER
        At the risk of oversimplifying or implying that one marriage or divorce is like another, let me suggest the following to men:
· If you're still married but are considering divorce, make resolving marital problems your highest priority. Divorce will resolve some problems, but it opens the door to others. Remarriage, under even the best of circumstances (especially where children are involved), is complicated and challenging.
· If you're still in your marriage, and have resisted talking to your bishop or stake president, do so.
· If you're still in your marriage, and have resisted professional counseling, get it. Shop until you find a counselor you feel understands and is helpful to both of you without undue bias against either marriage partner.
- If you're still in your marriage, and if it was sealed in the temple, don't minimize the importance of the eternal decision you're making. Blessings are promised to those who honor the covenants; consequences are promised to those who don't. Even if you feel your marital difficulties are insurmountable, examine your problems from an eternal perspective, not simply an earthly one. Our Father in Heaven was aware that many would face a variety of physical, emotional, and mental challenges in their marriages. The Lord's counsel, as taught by the Apostle Paul, was, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).
· If you're still in your marriage, examine your behavior from every perspective. Obviously, if you're being abusive, stop it. If you're being unreasonably demanding, stop it. If you're gone too much, working too many hours, or spending too much time with friends or in athletic activities, stop it. If you're not making the Church a serious part of your life, begin doing so. Less obvious: if you're ignoring feelings, being too intellectual or judgmental, preaching, lecturing, or are the type of person who's hard to get close to, begin to change your style.
· If the divorce has taken place, and you feel certain that your decision to divorce was a mistake, it may not be too late for your marriage: Unless your former spouse has remarried, she will probably reflect periodically on her decision to divorce. If you have interest in considering remarriage to your former spouse, do not beg or plead with her, but rather, show by your behavior that you are making the desired changes. She will be skeptical, so be patient and allow her to exercise her agency. However, do not live in denial. If it is clear that the marriage is over, do not spend your time trying to recover the previous relationship. Look to the future in an optimistic way.
· If the divorce has taken place, this is the time, more than ever, that your children need you to be stable and responsible. Regardless of your hurt, spend time with your children. If you do not have control of the quantity of time you have with them, make certain the quality of your interaction with them is excellent. Establish a positive working relationship with your former spouse no matter how hard it is. Do not say negative things about her to the children, and do not use the children to get back at her.
· While you may feel you're floundering in many respects, allow the iron rod of the gospel to provide the security you need. The doctrines are still true, and your activity in the Church offers you the blessing of participation as well as the opportunity to be reaffirmed. Don't become resentful if other Church members don't reach out to you. They're not sure what to do. Be patient and reach out to them as you're ready.
· When you begin dating, do so with a goal of meeting people and having fun. Avoid becoming serious too quickly. In The Miracle of Forgiveness, President Spencer W. Kimball points out that it is inappropriate to date before the divorce is final. Use this as a time to heal, spend time with children, and enjoy new and old hobbies.
· Find a support network. There are many groups of singles who meet together for purposes of having fun and providing support. Search until you find one that works for you. I found one by attending a Church-sponsored Special Interest (single adult) dance and meeting someone who invited me to an activity that was coming up. That led to being part of a group that sang at various activities and participated in trips to Yellowstone Park, parties, and a book club.

THE BIG PICTURE
        I don't suppose there has been any message taught more clearly and consistently in the Church than this one: Divorce is bad. It was stated this way by Joseph Fielding Smith: "Divorce is not part of the Gospel Plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people."18 President Spencer W. Kimball called divorce "one of the principal tools of Satan to destroy faith, through breaking up homes and bringing frustration of life and distortion of thought:"19
        In spite of this strong counsel, divorce continues to be a reality. For a variety of reasons ranging from selfishness to immorality to incompatibility, couples who entered marriage with the highest of expectations sometimes find themselves, to their great disappointment, among the ranks of the divorced. Church leaders discourage members from divorcing, but most of us know people in situations in which divorce seemed to be the only wise option, due to major, ongoing, soul-destroying problems in their marriages. Elder John A. Widtsoe said, "The Church decries divorce, yet it holds that divorce is better than daily unhappiness in marriage. Those who for sufficient reasons secure divorces do not lose their standing or good repute in the Church."20
        Because divorce will continue to be a reality, it is important that Spouses who divorce learn to treat one another in a respectful manner, both for their own benefit and that of their children. The stereotype of divorce--two formerly loving partners treating each other in total disrespect for years to come--can change. One of the mixed blessings of the increasing number of divorces is that we've learned a few things about how to do it with less hatred. Two rational individuals can be civil with one another even after a divorce, thus avoiding any accentuating of problems through gossip or pro-longed punishment.
        Because many of those who divorce will be active Latter-day Saints, it is important that they be able to continue to feel comfortable in their Church activity. Sensitive, nonjudgmental behavior on the part of other Church members will be necessary in order to allow this to take place.
        One divorced man I know was called to the stake high council after moving to a new ward and spending time becoming known there. I'm sure his divorce was traumatic, but I admired his dedicated efforts to maintain his Church activity. I was pleased at the confidence the stake leadership showed in calling him to this position, which he carried out admirably-in exactly the same manner he would have served had he been married.
        There are some aspects of divorce that are different for men than for women, but most issues are similar for both genders. Healthy adjustment to divorce requires an ability to be kind when you may not feel like it; to maintain your confidence and esteem though you're receiving negative feedback; to be able to tolerate painful feelings while you continue functioning; to tolerate the uncertainty that may be felt as other people-friends, co-workers, extended family, and so forth-wrestle with their own feelings about your getting a divorce; to be fair and nonvindictive though you feel you're being judged unfairly; and to maintain a solid spiritual foundation, which can draw you closer to the Lord, who understands your pain because he has "descended below all things" and whose grace is sufficient to heal and lift you.21

NOTES


1. Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 3 vols. (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 195~57), 2:58.

2. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1995), 133.

3. David 0. McKay, in Conference Report, April 1964,5.

4. Constance Ahrons, The Good Divorce (New York: HarperPerennial, 1995), 93.

5. Ibid.

6. L. Patricia Papernow, Becoming a Stepfamily (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1993), 106.

7. Ahrons, The Good Divorce, 150. 8.Ibid., 153.

9. As quoted in Grant E. Barton, "Discovering Answers to Our Prayers~' Ensign, February 1996,51.

10. Garth A. Hanson, "Once Children Grow Up,' Ensign, February 1996,29.

11. Hugh Stocks, "To the Shepherds of Israel," unpublished paper.

12. Papernow, Becoming a Stepfamily, 4.

13. Kay Pasley, "Stepfamily Life: Important Insights from Social Science," unpublished paper, 1994, 1.

14. Ahrons, The Good Divorce, 2.

15. As quoted in Old Loyalties, New Ties: Therapeutic Strategies with Stepfamilies, ed. Emily B. Visher and John S. Brunner (New York: Mazel Publishers, 1988), vii

16. Ahrons, The Good Divorce, 65.

17. See The Miracle of Forgiveness (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969), 252.

18. The Way to Petfection (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1970), 240.

19. Marriage and Divorce (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1976), 10.

20. "An Understandable Religion," in Melvin R. Brooks, comp., LDS Reference Encvclopedia (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965), 108.

21. See, for example, D&C 17:8; 122:8; Mosiah 14:5; Alma 36:3.